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Bill wake up I'm not mom: A hilarious comedy sketch by SNL



I remember my piano lesson as a child. That hour would go on forever. It seemed like a night and a day. I would begin to yawn part way through and somehow wake up near the end. Recently, I started taking piano lessons again. I have my lesson on Tuesday mornings before work. Hardly have we finished refining a single page when it is time for me to trudge off to the office.


POP: Get a listen to this here, "Pay attention to the world." All morning long and all last night I was paying attention. Nobody said, "Hey, Hymie, wake up!" Nobody. I said, "Screw you." I don't have to do that. [laughter] I don't have to do that. I want to tell you one thing. I am- I am happy, Joel. I'm having my boy this year.




bill wake up i m not mom



POP: Let him take care of himself. I take care of him all the rest of the day. What the hell do you think I am, a nursemaid? [pulling lint from pocket] That's from my dollar bill. That's what happens.


  • President's Remarks at Victory 2004 Rally in Central Point, OregonJackson County FairgroundsCentral Point, Oregon 6:16 P.M. PDT THE PRESIDENT: Thank you all very much. It's great to be back inOregon. It's great to be back in Jackson County, Oregon. (Applause.)Laura and I are staying at the Jacksonville Inn tonight. (Applause.)Last President to stay there was Rutherford B. Hayes. (Laughter.) Iunderstand Rutherford complained about the tab. (Laughter.) I'm notgoing to. We're thrilled to be here. I want to thank not only you all coming from Jackson County, I wantto thank the folks from the Klamath Basin who are here as well.(Applause.) It's great to be in a part of the world where the bootsoutnumber the suits. (Applause.) I've come to ask for your vote.(Applause.) And I'm here to ask for your help. (Applause.) Tell yourfriends and neighbors we have a duty in our country to vote. Head themto the polls -- (applause) -- Republicans and independents anddiscerning Democrats, like Zell Miller. (Applause.) And when you getthem heading to the polls, tell them if they want a safer America, astronger America and a better America to put me and Dick Cheney backinto office. (Applause.) I am keeping great company with the First Lady. (Applause.) Sheis -- we were in Las Vegas earlier today, and they had the AARPconvention, and so they said, why don't you send your best speaker tothat convention. So Laura spoke there, and I went to the rally.(Laughter.) She was a public school librarian when I met here again.We went to the 7th grade together at San Jacinto Junior High inMidland, Texas. AUDIENCE: Awww! THE PRESIDENT: Yes, how about that? (Laughter.) And she said,fine I'll marry you, I just never want to have to give a speech. Isaid, okay, you've got a deal. Fortunately, she didn't hold me to thedeal, and the people of America see a compassionate, decent, strongwoman when she gets up and gives a speech. (Applause.) I'm proud of my running mate, Dick Cheney. (Applause.) He's agood, strong man. I'm proud to be up here with a fine American, agreat friend, John McCain. I thank you, John, for coming.(Applause.) We have a lot of fun traveling together. It makes a bigdifference that he's campaigning for me. I can't thank him enough fordoing so. I'm also proud to be up on the stage with a fine United StatesSenator in Gordon Smith. (Applause.) We're real fond of Greg Walden.(Applause.) And Mylene, his wife. (Applause.) You're wellrepresented in the halls of Congress by Greg. He's a good, solid man.All he does is talk about water. (Laughter.) And forests.(Applause.) And the people of this district. (Applause.) I want to thank all the other state and local officials. I want tothank the grassroots activists who are here, the people who are puttingup the signs and turning out the vote. With your help, we'll carryOregon and win a great victory in November. (Applause.) I enjoyed the debate last night. (Applause.) You know, thesedebates clarify the differences in our records, our approaches, and ourplans for the future. I'm proud of my record. My opponent seemed towant to avoid talking about his. (Laughter.) My record is one oflowering taxes, of reforming education, providing prescription drugcoverage to seniors, improving our homeland protections, and waging anaggressive war against the ideologues of hate. (Applause.) The Senator's record is 20 years of out-of-the-mainstream votes,without many significant reforms or results. Our very differentrecords are a window into what we believe and what we do -- we'll dofor the next four years. That's why these debates are important. See,the Senator believes in a bigger government; I believe in more freedomand choices for the citizens of this country. (Applause.) The Senatorbelieves government ought to dictate; I believe you ought to decide.(Applause.) And sometimes it's a little hard to tell exactly what he believes.(Laughter.) He tries to obscure his philosophy. Take health care.Once again last night, with a straight face, the Senator tried to sayhis health care plan is not a government plan. I could barely containmyself when I heard that. (Applause.) Yet 22 million people wouldenroll on a government program under his plan. That would be thelargest expansion of government health care ever. Eighty percent ofthe newly-insured on his plan would be placed on a government program,like Medicaid. He claimed his position would help small business.It's not what the people who studied his plan say. They say his planwould be an overpriced albatross that would saddle small business with225 new mandates. I have a different view. I want to make health care moreaffordable and available by helping small businesses, not by saddlingthem with a bunch of regulations. (Applause.) Once again, last night, with a straight face, the Senator said --well, shall we say, refined his answer on his proposed global test.That's the test he would administer before defending America. Aftertrying to say it really wasn't a test at all, last night he once againdefended his approach, saying, I think it makes sense. (Laughter.)The Senator now says we'd have to pass some international truthstandard. The truth is we should never turn America's nationalsecurity decisions over to international bodies or leaders of othercountries. (Applause.) The last few years the American people have gotten to know me.They know my blunt way of speaking. (Applause.) I get that from myMom. (Laughter.) They know I sometimes mangle the English language.(Laughter.) I get that from my Dad. (Laughter.) Americans also knowI tell you exactly what I'm going to do, and I keep my word.(Applause.) When we came into office, the stock market had been in seriousdecline for six months and the American economy was sliding into arecession. To help families and get this economy growing again, Ipledged to reduce taxes. I kept my word. (Applause.) The results areclear: The recession was one of the shallowest in American history.Over the last three years, our economy has grown at the fastest rate asany in nearly 20 years. The home ownership rate in America is at anall time high. (Applause.) Farm and ranch incomes are up.(Applause.) The past 13 months we've added 1.9 million new jobs inAmerica. (Applause.) The unemployment rate across our country is 5.4 percent, lower thanthe average of the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s. (Applause.) Here in OregonI understand that some of the areas are lagging behind, but we'remaking progress. This state has added more than 40,000 jobs sinceJanuary of 2002. So long as somebody is looking for work and can'tfind a job means we'll continue to expand the economy with pro-growth,pro-entrepreneur, pro-farmer, pro-small business policies. (Applause.) To make sure we can find job -- people can find jobs here, Americamust be the best place in the world to do business. If you want jobsto create, you've got to be a good place to create jobs. That means weneed less regulations on our small businesses. (Applause.) We need todo something about these frivolous lawsuits that are making it harderfor our employers to expand the job base. (Applause.) To create jobs, Congress needs to pass my energy plan. Itencourages conservation, it encourages the use of renewables likeethanol and biodiesel, it encourages new technologies, it encouragesclean coal technology, it encourages increased domestic production. Tocreate jobs here in America, we must become less dependent on foreignsources of energy. (Applause.) To protect jobs in communities in the West, we need to reduce therisk of devastating wildfires. (Applause.) That's why I was proud towork on and sign the Healthy Forests Restoration Act. (Applause.)Under this good law, we're clearing the underbrush that serves as fuelfor fire. Because we acted, our forests are healthier, residents ofsmall businesses are safer, and people across the West are better off. My opponent says he's in touch with the West, but sometimes I thinkhe means Western Massachusetts. (Laughter.) When the Health Forestsbill came up in the Senate, it had the support of both senators fromOregon, one Republican and one Democrat. It had the strong support ofyour congressman. And Senator Kerry was against it. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: When I signed the Healthy Forests Act lastDecember, he said, we're taking a chainsaw to public forests. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: Now it's time to campaign in the West. He's kindof turning his position around a little bit. (Laughter.) He'sactually -- he's now saying that he actually likes a lot of part of thelaw. I guess it's not only the wildfires that shift in the wind.(Laughter and applause.) To create jobs, we need to reject economic isolationism and open upmarkets for U.S. products. Listen, we can compete with anybody,anytime, anywhere, so long as the rules are fair. (Applause.) Tocreate jobs, we need to be wise about how we spend your money and keepyour taxes low. My opponent has his own history on the economy. In 20years as a senator from Massachusetts, he's built the record of asenator from Massachusetts. (Laughter.) He's voted to raise taxes 98times. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: That's a vote for a tax increase about five timesevery year he's served in the Senate. I think that qualifies as apattern. He can run from his record, but he cannot hide. (Applause.) You might remember the debate last Friday. The Senator looked inthe camera and promised not to raise taxes on anyone who earns lessthan $200,000 a year. The problem with that, is to keep that promisehe must break all his other ones. His plan to raise taxes on the toptwo income brackets will raise about $600 billion, but his spendingpromises will cost almost four times as much, more than $2.2 trillion-- that's with a T. You can't have it both ways. To pay for all hispromises, his spending promises, he's going to have to raise yourtaxes. The choice in this election is clear, when it comes to taxes.(Applause.) He's had a -- tell your friends and neighbors he's had a history ofvoting to raise taxes, and he has promised to raise them in thiscampaign. And that's the kind of promise a Washington politicianusually keeps. (Laughter.) I believe our families and our economy are better off whenAmericans keep more of what they earn. In a new term, I will work withthe United States Congress to keep your taxes low. (Applause.) When I came to office, our public schools had been waiting fordecades for hopeful reform. Too many of our children were shuffledthrough school, year after year, grade after grade, without learningthe basics. I pledged to restore accountability to our schools and endthe soft bigotry of low expectations. I kept my word. (Applause.)We're now seeing the results of our reforms. Our children are makingsustained gains in reading and math. We're closing the achievement gapfor minority students. We're making progress for our families. Wewill leave no child behind in America. (Applause.) To build a more hopeful America, we must have the best prepared andmost highly skilled workforce in the world. Most new jobs are filledby people with at least two years of college; yet one in four of ourstudents gets there. So we'll fund early intervention programs in ourhigh schools to help at-risk students. We'll place a new focus on mathand science. Over time, we'll require a rigorous exam beforegraduation. By raising the performance in our high schools and byexpanding Pell grants for low and middle-income families, we will helpmore Americans start their careers with a college diploma. (Applause.) When I came into office, we had a problem with Medicare. Medicinewas changing, but Medicare was not. For example, Medicare would paytens of thousands of dollars for a heart surgery, but not one dime forthe prescription drugs that might prevent the heart surgery from beingneeded in the first place. That didn't make any sense for our seniors,it didn't make any sense for our tax payers. I pledged to bringRepublicans and Democrats together to strengthen and modernize Medicarefor our seniors, and I kept my word. (Applause.) Seniors are alreadygetting discounts on medicine, and beginning in 2006, all seniors willbe able to get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. (Applause.) No, we're moving forward on health care, and there's much more todo. We need to make health care more affordable and available for allour people. We need a safety net for those with the greatest needs. Ibelieve in community health centers, a place where the poor and theindigent can get primary and preventative care. In a new term, we'llmake sure every poor county in America has a community health center.(Applause.) We need to do more to make sure poor children are fully subscribedin our programs for low-income families, so they can get the healthcare they need. We must do more to make sure health care isaffordable. Most of the uninsured in America are employees of smallbusinesses. Small businesses are having trouble affording healthcare. To help more workers get health care, we should allow smallbusinesses to join together so they can buy insurance at the samediscounts as big businesses can do. (Applause.) We must expand healthsavings accounts, so workers and small businesses are able to pay lowerpremiums and people can save, tax free, in a health care account theycall their own. To make sure health care is available and affordable, we've got todo something about the junk lawsuits that are running up the cost ofhealth care. (Applause.) By forcing doctors to practice defensivemedicine, medical lawsuits cost the government about $28 billion ayear. They cost our nation's economy anywhere from $60 billion to $100billion a year. They drive up insurance premiums which drive good docsout of practice. You cannot be pro-patient and pro-doctor andpro-plaintiff attorney at the same time. (Applause.) You have tochoose. My opponent made his choice, and he put a plaintiff attorneyon the ticket. I made my choice. I'm standing with the doctors andpatients. I'm for medical liability reform now. (Applause.) The choice for health care is clear in this election. My opponentwants to move in the direction of government-run health care. Ibelieve health decisions should be made by patients and doctors, not byofficials in Washington, D.C. (Applause.) I've set out policies thatmove America toward a positive and optimistic vision. I believe ourcountry can be an ownership society. You know, there's an old saying,no one ever washes a rental car. (Laughter.) A lot of wisdom in thatstatement. When you own something, you care about it. When you ownsomething, you have a vital stake in the future of our country. We'reencouraging entrepreneurship, because every time a small business isstarted, someone is achieving the American Dream. (Applause.) We're encouraging health savings accounts so people have thesecurity of owning their own health care plan. We're providing --promoting home ownership. Listen, I love it when more and more peopleopen up the door where they live and say, welcome to my home; welcometo my piece of property. (Applause.) In a new term, I'll take the next great step to build an ownershipsociety by strengthening Social Security. Our Social Security systemneeds fixing. We'll keep the promise of Social Security to ourseniors. You might remember the 2000 campaign, when they ran those adsthat said, if George W. gets in, the seniors won't get their checks.The seniors got their checks. (Applause.) And our seniors willcontinue to get checks. And the baby boomers are in pretty good shape when it comes to theSocial Security trust. But we need to worry about our children and ourgrandchildren. We need to be worried about whether Social Securitywill be around when they need it. For their sake, we must strengthenSocial Security by allowing younger workers to save some of theirpayroll taxes in a personal savings account that they can call theirown, that the government will not take away. (Applause.) When it comes to Social Security, my opponent wants to maintain thestatus quo. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: That's unacceptable. He's against these SocialSecurity reforms. He's against just about every reform that gives moreauthority and more control to the individual. On issue after issue,from Medicare without choices to schools with less accountability tohigher taxes, he takes the side of more centralized control and morebureaucracies. And there's a word for that attitude. It's calledliberalism. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: He dismisses that as a label. But he must haveseen it differently when he said to a newspaper, I am a liberal andproud of it. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: Nonpartisan National Journal magazine did a studyand named him the most liberal member of the United States Senate.That takes a lot of hard work. (Laughter.) Another group known as theAmericans for Democratic Action has given Senator Kerry a higherlifetime liberal rating than that given to Ted Kennedy. And that's anaccomplishment. (Laughter.) I have a different record and a different philosophy. I don'tbelieve in big government, and I don't believe in indifferentgovernment. I'm a compassionate conservative. (Applause.) I believein policies that empower people to improve their lives, not in policiesthat try to run their lives. (Applause.) These are changing times, but in a time of change, some things donot change, the values we try to live by -- courage and compassion,reverence and integrity. In changing times, we will support theinstitutions that give our lives direction and purpose -- our families,our schools, our religious congregations. (Applause.) We stand for aculture of life in which every person counts and every being matters.(Applause.) We stand for marriage and family, which are thefoundations of our society. (Applause.) We stand for the appointmentof federal judges who know the difference between personal opinion anda strict interpretation of the law. (Applause.) My opponent's words on these issues are a little muddy, but hisrecord is pretty clear. He says he supports the institution ofmarriage, but he voted against the Defense of Marriage Act. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: He voted against the ban on partial birthabortion. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: One time he called himself the candidate ofconservative values, but he has described the Reagan years as a periodof moral darkness. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: There is a mainstream in American politics, and myopponent sits on the far left bank. (Laughter.) He can run, but hecannot hide. (Applause.) AUDIENCE: Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! THE PRESIDENT: This election will also determine how Americaresponds to the continuing danger of terrorism. The most solemn dutyof the American President is to protect the American people.(Applause.) If America shows uncertainty or weakness in this decade,the world will drift toward tragedy. This will not happen on mywatch. (Applause.) Since that terrible morning of September the 11th, 2001, we havefought the terrorists across the Earth -- not for pride, not for power,but because the lives of our citizens are at stake. (Applause.) Ourstrategy is clear. We'll defend the homeland; we're strengthening ourintelligence; we're transforming our military. We will keep theall-volunteer army an all-volunteer army. (Applause.) We're stayingon the offensive. We're striking the terrorists abroad so we do nothave to face them here at home. (Applause.) We will spread freedomand liberty, and we will prevail. Our strategy is succeeding. Think about the world as it wasthree-and-a-half years ago. Afghanistan was the home base of alQaeda. Pakistan was a transit point for terrorist groups. SaudiArabia was fertile ground for terrorist fundraising. Libya wassecretly pursuing nuclear weapons. Iraq was a dangerous place and agathering threat. And al Qaeda was largely unchallenged as it plannedattacks. Because we acted, because the United States of America led,Afghanistan is an ally in the war on terror. (Applause.) Pakistan iscapturing terrorist leaders. Saudi Arabia is making raids andarrests. Libya is dismantling its weapons programs. The army of afree Iraq is fighting for freedom, and more than three-quarters of alQaeda's key members and associates have been brought to justice.(Applause.) In defending ourselves, we have freed 50 million people.(Applause.) Think about what happened recently in Afghanistan. Itwasn't all that long ago that the country was ruled by brutalideologues of hate who had a dark vision of the world. Young girlswere not allowed to go to school -- many young girls were not. Theirmoms, if they didn't toe the ideological line, were taken into thepublic square and whipped, sometimes killed in a sports stadium.Recently, thousands and thousands of Afghan citizens once under therule of the Taliban voted in a presidential election. (Applause.) Thefirst voter in that election was a 19-year-old woman. (Applause.) Iraq will have elections in January. We're standing with thepeople of Afghanistan and Iraq. When America gives its word, Americamust keep its word. (Applause.) And we're standing with them becausewe understand that free societies in the Middle East will be hopefulsocieties which no longer feed resentments and breed violence forexport. Free governments in the Middle East will fight terrorists, insteadof harboring them. And that helps us keep the peace. (Applause.) Ourmission is clear: We'll help those countries train their armies andpolice forces so the citizens of Afghanistan and Iraq can do the hardwork of defending democracy. (Applause.) We will help them get on thepath to stability and democracy as quickly as possible, and then ourtroops will come home with the honor they have earned. (Applause.) I see some folks who wear the uniform -- thank you for yourservice. (Applause.) I want to thank the veterans who are here forhaving set such a great example to those who wear the uniform.(Applause.) I want to thank the military families who have joined ustoday. (Applause.) I assure you we'll keep the commitment I made toour troops and their loved ones. We'll make sure they have all theresources they need to complete their missions. And that's why I went to the United States Congress in September of2003 and requested $87 billion for important funding to support ourtroops in combat. We received great support for that funding request.As a matter of fact, only 12 United States senators voted against thefunding for our troops in harm's way -- two of whom are my opponentand his running mate. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: As you round up the vote, remind people of thisfact: only four United States senators voted to authorize the use offorce, and then voted against funding the troops -- two of whom are myopponent and his running mate. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: You might remember, perhaps, one of the most famousquotes of the 2004 campaign. When asked to explain his vote, myopponent said, I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I votedagainst it. AUDIENCE: Booo! THE PRESIDENT: I suspect a lot of people in Jackson County, Oregondon't speak that way. (Applause.) And they kept pressing him and hehad all kinds of different explanations. One of the most interestingwas, he finally said, it is a complicated matter. (Laughter.) There'snothing complicated about supporting our troops in combat. (Applause.) I believe in the transformational power of liberty. Let me tellyou a story that will help make the point. One of our good friends isPrime Minister Koizumi of Japan. That doesn't sound unusual, probably,except for think about what life was like some 60 years ago with theJapanese. They were our mortal enemy. My dad fought against theJapanese, Senator McCain's dad fought against the Japanese. I'mconfident there are people here whose dad or granddad saw combatagainst the Japanese. It was a tough war. After we won the war, Harry S. Truman believed in thetransformational power of liberty to convert an enemy into an ally.And so he worked to build a democracy in Japan. There were a lot ofcitizens here who, I'm confident, weren't very happy about thatdecision. Why would you want to work with an enemy? The enemy can'tpossibly convert to a democracy. Too many of our lives were lostduring the war. But we had great faith in the ability of liberty totransform a nation. And today, because of that faith, I sit down withPrime Minister Koizumi talking about the peace we all want, talkingabout how to deal with the issues of the world -- to make the worldmore peaceful. Some day a duly-elected leader of Iraq will be sittingdown with an American President talking about the peace in the MiddleEast. And our children and our grandchildren will be better off forit. (Applause.) I believe millions in the Middle East plead in silence forfreedom. I believe women in the Middle East want to grow up in a freesociety and raise their children in freedom. I believe that if given achance, the people of the Middle East will embrace the most honorableform of government ever devised by man. I believe all these thingsbecause freedom is not America's gift to the world, freedom is theAlmighty God's gift to each man and woman in this world. (Applause.) For all Americans -- for all Americans, these years in our historywill always stand apart. There are quiet times in the life of a nationwhen little is expected of its leaders. This isn't one of thosetimes. This is a time that requires firm resolve, clear vision, andthe deep faith in the values that makes us a great nation. None of us will ever forget that week when one era ended andanother began. As John mentioned, I stood in the ruins of the TwinTowers on September the 14th, 2001. It is a day I will never forget.Workers in hard hats yelling at the top of their lungs, "Whatever ittakes." A guy grabbed me by the arm and he looked me in the eye and hesaid, "Do not let me down." Ever since that day I wake up working hardto figure out how best to protect America. I will never relent indefending the security of this country, whatever it takes. (Applause.) Four years ago when I traveled your beautiful state asking for thevote, I said if you gave me a chance to serve, I would uphold the honorand the dignity of the office to which I had been elected. With yourhelp, with your hard work, with your vote, I will do so for four moreyears. Thanks for coming. May God bless. (Applause.) Thank you all verymuch. (Applause.) END 6:33 P.M. PDT Printer-Friendly Version Email this page to a friend IssuesBudget Management

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